Wednesday, Jul. 08, 2009
11:00 a.m.
a really long entry
almost two years ago, i was newly engaged, and realized i'd grown huge. i didn't know exactly when, or how this happened. i didn't feel huge, except, you know, when i felt HUGE. i was bordering on a size 20 in pants, and was into 1X plus sized shirts.
so i took steps, namely the fast plan, i've been talking about lately, and next thing you know, I was a size 18, then 16, and I was back in regular XL and XXL sized shirts. a regular XXL is still smaller than a plus sized 1X, for those who don't know. i found myself still wearing those "big clothes" though they were swimming on me.
then i started working out, like every day kind of working out -- running and weight training, serious stuff. suddenly my little five pound weights were ridiculous, and i started buying heavier weights, and investing in resistance bands and workout clothes. and i loved it. i loved, no LOVED the way i felt when i was exercising every day. i felt strong, and lean, and...like i had some kind of secret that no one else knew.
i got to a size 14 in pants, and found some size L sweaters that fit. then i stopped. i haven't gotten bigger, but i can feel it bordering there, hovering and waiting for the day the pants won't button.
the difference, i see now, in those attempts and all the others i've made in my life, is that those were made out of determination, and a desire that came from a healthy, happy place, NOT from the weird frenzy-filled place i've been living these last few weeks. i don't like that place. i just feel restless and unhappy and anxious all the time.
i haven't been posting here for several days for that reason. i needed a break from myself and my own fucked up mind. i'm terrified of B's surgery, but that doesn't do anyone any good. i've decided to look at it in the most positive way i can: that in a month, everything will be over and B will be back to feeling good, and be able to do the things he loves, and he won't have to worry about moving wrong. it's for the best, and everything will go great. his surgeon is well respected and has done this surgery a thousand times. so.
i want to get to a size 12 next, for me. not the crazy side of me, but the stable, centered part of me. i was shopping with a friend a few weeks ago, and tried on a pair of size 12's. they almost fit, about an inch to go before i would have been able to button them. so close. it surprised me, and i realized that a year and a half ago i wouldn't have been able to get them up over my bum.
i put my scale away, at least for now, at least for a month. let me get through B's surgery and then the scale can come back out. i left it at 199, which is a good place to leave. i couldn't bear it if the scale read over 200 again, and the way my body feels right now i'm pretty sure it would.
ironically, i'm doing a month of goal-setting classes at work. how funny, after coming down from my frenzied emotional place to think about real, practical, reasonable old goal-setting. you probably guessed what's coming...
1. 80 ounces of water a day, including plain, seltzer and mineral waters.
2. At least ten minutes of yoga or pilates a night, immediately following work.
3. Only water and unsweetened tea after 9 pm.
4. Awake and out of bed by 9 am.
EDIT: How did I forget? Writing. I want to get back to writing, so also there is:
5. Do ten minutes of writing practice every day
and
6. Write at least 1000 words a day on the novel (which is now up to 40 pages, yay!)
*HUGS* TOTAL!
give skinny_girl more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own
things that i learned today... - Thursday, Aug. 20, 2009
things that i learned today... - Wednesday, Aug. 19, 2009
a quickie, because i'm late for work... - Tuesday, Aug. 18, 2009
an entry in which i ramble about a brilliant new plan which will of course change my life and solve all my problems. - Tuesday, Aug. 18, 2009
I'll stop procrastinating in just a minute, really... - Thursday, Aug. 13, 2009
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